Friday, 3 March 2017

Multiple Sclerosis sucks

I have had MS for over twenty five years and it has gradually robbed my body from me and my family. I used to be a gregarious individual with a wicked laugh and a sense of humour that was shall we just say an acquired taste. I have fought against my multiple sclerosis at every turn.  Over the years it has gradually ripped my life apart. Now I get about in an electric wheelchair having worked my way through every device which enabled me to keep a sense of independence. My MS is relentless I have the Progressive variety it just keeps on gradually chipping away and won't stop until it has what it wants.  Well it's been a notch since before Christmas and this last few days have been awful. I am writing this in bed. I have been asleep virtually all day. When I did wake earlier  I tried to get out of bed and sit on the chair to eat something.
Great idea but I ended up in a crumpled heap half under the bed using the bedside cabinet as a very uncomfortable cushion. There was no way Heather could rescue me from my new and very uncomfortable situation so she called our eldest daughter who wasn't at home but at our other daughters house. So that is how I came to be manhandled back into bed earlier tonight. I started writing this post yesterday when I was feeling depressed about not being able to get over the constant feeling below par. I know I am never going to feel fantastic but the seemingly endless battle to feel human is taking its toll mentally.
I am always a glass half full type of guy but the last few months I have had my optimism knocked out of me. Endlessly feeling unwell and yet when I get checked I am told nothing there your tests have come back clear. I will phone my GP on Monday but if she suggests urine and bloods again I don't know if I can bear being told I have nothing wrong. That just means more of this and even though I think my antidepressant tablets are the best things since sliced bread I may be needing some stronger ones. I am on the verge of crying as I write this because the realisation is dawning on me this is my future. I have always fought my MS but now I think it is beating me, I don't want to keep fighting I just want to curl up and cry. I said to Heather earlier this week that I could just cry  I thought a trouble shared was a trouble halved but now I have admitted it the genie is out of the bottle. Where do I go from here because I don't know if I have any fight left in me. Now I am crying!

1 comment:

  1. Don, you are my inspiration to keep the fight against this stupid illness.
    I was diagnosed two years ago but my consultant said I had enough damage shown for him to say I had been battling it for over ten years.
    Now wheelchair bound and needing help from my family but most of all my wife Jane, I look back on my athletic past and my old job as a binman as a distant memory.
    Your blog has been a blessing for me to read and the positive feeling you give to all that read it.
    Don't give in to the darkness please.


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