Tuesday, 6 October 2015

Depression part two

Do you believe in signs and wonders? NAHH me neither, I once went to a discussion group in a church just outside London, Harrow on the Hill I think it was. Well after listening to some bloke witter on for an hour I told him he was talking shite. Sorry for the language but it was the expression I used and I went on to tell him I had seen him speak before and I thought he had been shite then as well. I am not sure how he took my interpretation of his messages to the people he was trying to encourage because I have not seen him since, and I doubt he would seek me out to ask my opinion evidently I am brutally frank. The reason I mention this incident is two fold. I had gone to this meeting hoping to find encouragement and I think you know the answer if I ask the question "did I".
Be careful what you seek, be careful where you seek and be careful with whom you seek. I have sought answers from people who were never going to help me nor support me, the hard part is recognising that these people are harming you. Not physically not bashing you with a stick or stabbing you with a knife. No the don't leave marks or bruises, they scare you inside where it can't be seen they scar your mind. Your still as intelligent as you always have been but because they have planted seeds of doubt and you let them grow the damage is done. You can't see it, it's not visible but you are as wounded as if you had been stabbed. Instead of blood leaking out of the wound you have let the seeds grow and then insecurities have set in, instead of blood you have lost self confidence. Doubts have replaced your ability to make out that something that gave you the strength to be confident. Now instead of I can you ask yourself can I? Instead of I will your mind gives excuses why you can't. The once the self doubt creeps in you will want to be with those who reinforce the fears that you cannot do stuff. Instead of seeking those who reaffirm you time is spent in the company of those that tell you that you cannot do it they feed the fears and support your doubts feeding those seeds and growing them. They water those seeds and nurture them. Feeding them and enabling them to mature.


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